BTG 33 - Daniele Bolelli

[Music] hello everyone I'm Robert Rizzo I'm here with my co-host David Allen you are watching breaking the guard I have lost count which episode this is Dave I can't keep up but we have a very very special guest good friend academic martial artists overall badass Minister Danielle Lee bolelli you may know him from the history on fire podcast and we've been talking about this for so long having you on our podcast it's a pleasure to have you on the show that's also man thank you guys for having me yeah you know I was familiar with you Danielle because I think you were one of the first people that absolutely like subscribe to my email list back like in 2010 and that was even before I know who you were but then I I'd see you to time you were in the Joe Rogan podcast you went Adam Carolla you've gone all over the place yeah you also have the other podcast I think was your first one the drunken Taoists right exactly I remember way back in the day I actually reviewed some of your DVD for like some Italian martial art magazine yes ever since I was always in touch because I'm like man this guy is a awesome instruction Alice he's really good at explaining stuff so I was always a big fan and so that was fun you know later you are like hey but I check out your podcast okay let's go yeah and you know you have like you know a background in academia you're a professor UCLA exact correct I thought I UCLA for a while I think it's been a while since I taught there but now I teach the primary places are Santa Monica College and Cal State Long Beach and you teach history is that correct yeah Maine leads us Native American and history of religions amazing amazing I bet you would love to have like a history of martial arts class you know that's I've done after what I did at UCLA okay actually pretty funny cuz I went up to I was like who's gonna allow me to do this history of Iran probably not I tried a couple I went to the Asian American Studies department and you know I'm not exactly Asian and particular a class in Asian I'm ed up okay guys I can teach you this course I can teach it I can do a good job and it's not that you have somebody else who's gonna teach it so it's either me or nobody so you either take because you think he's gonna bring new students or you don't but you know is he was a very know competitive thing because there's no one else that's gonna do it and so they were like yeah he's gonna bring the students we are on board I was like yes yeah you know that was that part of the problem when I was at UNLV I wanted to do at history of martial arts I want to write my thesis in that direction but very quickly I found it was so much resistance because it's not something that you know that people study a you know it's not a common theme to find an academia right as in like a department is not gonna have someone qualified to guide you through your seat thesis right so yeah they constantly push you to what they do right that seems to be like the the norm that's how it goes that's why it's fun to you know I fit in academia and I don't I mean I always found like sneaky ninja ways to get some of my stuff done in there but the academic world objective is very stifling you know it's very resistant to change it's very old school it's kind of even when they do cover good stuff and they do they always somehow find a way to make it really tedious so it's it's kind of a challenge to to navigate around the limits of academia and still do something enjoyable I've found very bureaucratic like excessively bureaucratic not fun it was more bureaucracy than learning that was like the biggest frustration I was spending more time dealing with like stuff that wasn't interesting not even learning then I was actually you know challenging myself right but let me ask you this boy you were were you uh you were martial artists before you were academic I've been trained martial arts your whole life right I started when did I start Saturday when I was 17 so what about like your and martial arts and how did that leave to you know your your your to guys like a brief synopsis of your life for people who don't know you so I started training when I was still in Italy you know I was born in 74 so 17 would have been 1991 so that's before even the first UFC before I mean maybe became a thing or anything so I started out the way everybody did back that is no you watch Bruce Lee movies you think Chinese martial arts are the way to go I tried a bunch and I actually had a good time you know some stuff was a complete waste of time some was actually fun and and then slowly as time went by I started shifting away from that and progressively more to our combat sports started submission grappling jujitsu boxing little bit of wrestling was never that good at it but some wrestling at the judo so that's kind of where I'm at today I'm primarily you know I got tired of getting punched in the head so I liked more you know Jiu Jitsu and judo seem like slightly more long-term prospect than you know I love boxing boxing is fun but you know sparring is always the thing I always found tricky with boxing was that if you go too soft it's not realistic if you go too hard you just Jack yourself up every time you train finding the fine line is way harder than it is when you grapple well you can just go a little more full-on and you know as long as you're not a dick and crank late submissions then usually you get out mostly on skated or the stuff the injuries you get her to your limbs not your brain so I tend to favor that but that's as far as that's kind of the martial our journey along the way actually way back in 2008 I think I did a couple of MMA in Italy now throw anime meet Ali back then was like the Far West was like back in 1994 so he was kind of you know Pro anime is sort of a joke in that sense but it was interesting experience because I'm psychologically really not built that way you know some people are really relaxed going into competition for whatever reason as long as he was grappling I was okay but when there was striking involve easier than living hell out of me so it was a interesting process because I would have to find a way to operate at a high level when psychologically I'm just shut down by fear I feel all the tension the muscle cramping down the breathing shallow so I found it interesting because it's like oh man how do I play in this environment where my body my mind actually is not be my friend you know it's definitely a challenging thing to go through that's why I think we talked about it in the last episode with Alberto crane is that whenever someone competes as a coach we're always immensely proud of them because the mental hardship it is to get in there and it doesn't matter that like the competition you're going it doesn't really matter than that because you don't know right like you're saying oh the level in Italy is whatever but that doesn't you can't know that for certain you're guessing that right before you're actually in the combat you know you could be facing the next six and Gracie and you don't know it yet so it is absolutely I think for most people the natural reaction is terror I always tell people like oh you know I get I get street fights all the time it's very different because there's street fight is spontaneous there's no time to be care so it's easy you and you just deal with it but when they tell you it's more like in school when they long and they fight you in the playground 3 o'clock tomorrow and you're like oh my god what's gonna happen here you know except the stakes are much higher and more serious in the cage fight nation is what kills you it's that thinking about it that and I'm a pro at making my mind wandering 10 32 different directions which is horrendous for staying calm and collected I think I'm the only person ever would weigh less by fight time than by the way well tied society like I mean you're describing like what every fighter deal I I think we agree not everyone deals with the pressure the same way it's higher for something I see I've seen people that are like there's so much in their element it's not even and it's not much of an effort to them to get into that fight mode like you deal with all that because if MMA didn't exist these guys will be doing motocross or skydiving like they'd be doing something else it's not like that they just they're adrenalin junkies like they enjoy that but tell me walk us through like what was the thought process of going through that day dealing with the difficulty the anxiety because I feel like that's something that some so many of us do I dealt with it too I'm sure David as well how was it that walk us through that experience I think for me because my personality there's a bit of kind of nerdy streak to it i span you know I was an only child before internet growing up so I spent all my time reading books in my own head imagining stuff so it was kind of this I was very comfortable being a happy little nerd and you know there are clearly it student life right there's a I felt that in order to grow as a human being I need to put myself in a direction that did not come natural to me so you know do we mean like some people are terrified of public speaking I don't give a crap I you know you put a mic in front of me I can talk in front of anybody and I have no problem but for me whereas somebody else may be completely relaxed about you know athletic physical and therefore I would tend to stress you know I play basketball and I stress when I play basketball like I get major performance anxiety when it comes to athletic stuff so two sheep for me chief to Marcia to combat sports was interesting because by temperament was really not my thing and that's probably why I liked it because I felt that it gave an edge to my personality but I did not naturally you know it's something that would really help me grow so it was definitely a struggle I mean I love training training was awesome but the competition part was horrendous but in every single time I went through it I would be like okay this is the last time just get through this plan and you just about work works like about later okay let's do it again and so it stripped because I never felt like I mastered it like I got over it you know you always see all those cool stories of somebody who's really scared of something then they work hard at it and then everything is great never felt that way I felt that overtime him I made it last paralyzing terror and you know be able to work through it but never like I overcame it or that didn't show up it always showed up it was almost bad it was just making it 2% less bad so that I would have a little breathing room but that was it and i thought you know everybody's wired differently I see like like my girlfriend when you know she fights for one championship and she's a weak mentally I mean it's like she took a nap right before or five I'm like how the hell do you take a nap that's just before a week I'll get a nap right so you know people are wired in different ways it's an interesting point that you bring because a lot of people assume that if you compete that means oh you were just built for that you know and it came naturally to you that's why you do well with it but it's I'm glad you brought that up because yeah as you said it wasn't something that came naturally in fact it was a total opposite but that was the lore of it is that you wanted to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself yes I when you're describing yourself I'm like that's kind of like how I was when I was a kid I was very shy I was a terribly shy and public speaking was a nightmare for me I think I've already said this multiple times to Robert but like I remember when I was in like seventh grade I have to like read an English paper that was just one paragraph and that paper was a this torille totally terrified of public speaking but oddly enough competing I was fine like I I did well competing even though I was really shy right I think because I grew up with my brother I was very competitive I mean him fought a lot of time and Bruce Lee movies and stuff like that I did you couldn't oh when I started so like I had that background also but like competing I always did pretty well and I could take naps and stuff like that but it was like the public speaking side that got me drawn out but I'm also someone who's an engineer by trade so I'm analytical as well so I understand what you mean when you start analyzing all these different things and all the variable outcomes that could happen and what you're gonna do in each possible situation and you'll never sleep yeah it's you're in you become your worst enemy because you're just making your life way harder than it needs to be because you're not really been in the moment and able to flow you are like projected into the future warring thinking about what can go wrong and you know way too much yes probably good sometimes when a coach who does all that you think about all the things that can go wrong and figure out solution and the game plan but the person who implements them is a different person who's more can be like okay that's looking plaid I've gotta just go out and do it you know it's it helps I I wanna I want to talk about that the coaching thing cuz I agree with you I think that's where a good coach comes into you know someone you can trust but before that now you mentioned something about you know some people are wired for this and some wire for that I've always been some people disagree this is like a huge debate and in the sciences right the nature-nurture debate to me it's the most fascinating of all questions to me this is more interesting than the universe some people though the most interesting questions are in outer space like I don't think so I think there are questions that relate to our behavior right like why do we do a and not B and these are these are fascinating questions but I'm of the opinion that you know they it's only the love with which nature and nurture interact yeah it's the which what degree and in what but there are certain things about me that are I feel very very secure are from birth like I have always been attracted to combat but I've also been like you I'm not like Dave like I could think it got to the point where I could take a nap but it was a long process I used to cry before I went to bed and I'd cry in the morning I woke up before a competition you know but do you believe that these things are not just emotional physical obviously everyone acknowledges that the emotional but do you believe they also have to do with certain types of intelligence I believe certain types of intelligence are exacerbated in some people and others are like very very poorly developed and they have to work really hard to develop that do you believe that people that are underdeveloped in some kinds of intelligence right you can't work on it and improve on it I mean improve yeah sure I think hard work always pays off in some measure the question is outmatch you know cuz ii you can take somebody who's really not talented for something and they work hard and it will get way better than where they started and they will get you know probably pretty decent whatever it is they are doing but they are never gonna be work at the place where somebody was a real talent for it and on top of it they work hard that just not even a Mozart Mozart born in Austria father was a musician I probably had an incredible work ethic like that's when you get a motor on everything of lines you know my dad once interviewed Michael Jordan so they sat down and they were chatted and my dad was like look I I remember hearing your stuff and it's so inspirational the whole you know I became Michael Jordan because of all these failures and I miss three gazillion shots and that's why I make the important words my dad was like look I get this like as triggers in your shots too but I did not become Michael Jordan yeah you have to fail you have to work hard but realistically and again is not a negative thing because it's like you will get better than where you start and there's no argyll you know hard work will take off to some degree but it's kind of like taking a 90-pound woman and say look I'll train you into martial arts and you're gonna be safe in the middle of a biker gang with chains it's like no that's not gonna happen you know it's like I don't care how hard you train you're not gonna be you know you're gonna you we safer than where you were before but not up to that lab that's just not gonna work I think there's like nature give you some it's kind of like the cards you're given in a poker game right yes complain it's how you play them you can get really creative and they're really good at playing them to the best abilities yeah but if somebody got four aces right off the bat well you're not gonna compete with that that just you know and nature is not fair like that like you know because they no matter how much you dream of being a basketball player if you're more short than a if you're really tall you're never gonna be a good gymnast all right if you're six seven you're six nine there's no way on earth you're gonna be a good gymnast there's nothing you can do about it you know it's not so um but this is interesting but I wanted cuz me and they talked a lot about this but I wanted to pick your brain because like this to me is like the most underrated aspect of of martial arts is mental training right because everyone there's a hyper focus on physical there's a million different ways of working out out there like too many if you ask me technique this like if you type in VJ Day techniques on YouTube you're gonna get like eight billion results like it's it's too much of anything but when it comes to like how do we better the money because we agree that we can improve on it right there's no methodology if when it comes to the mind we're at a loss we don't even know where to begin like we don't have an answer like this is how you train your mind and I always talk about visualization you know like meet me and they talk about this he talks about mental morphism like imagine you're a bullet when you're taking someone down right like little things like that do you or what's your take on it you have any suggestions or what would you recommend for people that are trying to improve on themselves mentally to overcome difficulties like anxiety for example I mean I think that stuff you guys are mentioning like visualization is you right it's something that not just for fight for anything right that's it if you don't see yourself succeeding at something it's very hard to succeed at that thing you know being able to it's like fake it till you make it a lot you know you need to be able to convince yourself that it's doable even when it's not and you know that it's not yet but you can start creating a path to leading and again not just the okay tomorrow I'm gonna be the greatest in the world is it we all know is [ __ ] is not gonna be true you don't believe yourself you need to kind of be slowly and incrementally start giving yourself realistic goals where you can slowly then reality convinces you that oh what did work out okay now I can go one inch more you know and so that's a big one but I really think not everybody respond to the same stuff so you know for some people meditation is great he works beautiful for them for somebody else it's really not gonna do it it's just gonna drive them crazy to stitch to steel so they may have to do something that's a little more rap maybe some kind of movement driven meditation even doing something like Tai Chi may be able to be something that kind of comes them down and put them in that space I'm really curious but I haven't looked enough into sports psychology like what do those guys do because I that's their whole field right like what do sports psychology to do to get a good athlete and get them to perform to the best possible of their abilities you know I heard some of their tricks some of their ideas but I would love to hear a lot more than that what I'm familiar with it is a good point you bring that everybody's different right because that's the thing that makes it trickier they're like a robber saying there's no like step-by-step plan and how to improve your mind because you can have a pair of twins and their personalities will totally you know diverge and some people work really well with positive reinforcement and then some people need the negative reinforcement to rile them up and then get in there I have some guys that when they're gonna fight I need to slap them in the face a few times to get the map and other people there cool as a cucumber you know they're they don't need anything they don't need any talk or any motivation I know like when people need to get riled up that's my brother my brother will well slap him around go there more challenge that you and me like we relaxed yeah nothing's gonna happen we're cool we're gonna get there have fun yeah but yes that goes back to a Robert was saying and you were early as well having a good coach that has that relationship with you that's able to understand the things that motivate you because then they're able to fine-tune because there is a performance enhancement a legal PE D right that will help you is having a coach no matter how good you are buy yourself a coach a good coach will push you further for sure 100% so I know I have competed a couple times alone and it was always terrible you know and even I was healthy and nothing wrong with me I was out of focus because I was doing dealing with stuff that I'm not normally having to deal with like oh I have to get the sponsor uniform there is or something like that it's like those little things you think I go there that's not a big deal but it is because you're doing everything you can to try to stay in that zone and everything that pulls you out of it you know it's gonna take you time to try to get back in and I think that's one of the things that's really under the veil of leaner Mme because when you think about it you know most people who are coaches they have there's not exactly scientific process to get them to be great coaches you know many of them are great just because they are smart they are good people they kind of wing it and they figured out some stuff along the way but you know there's this idea that you are a good fighter you're gonna make a great coach like now those are completely different still you know it's like maybe you know maybe happen to be one of those people who can build boats but maybe not and and there's where as for being a good fighter there is somewhat of a clear path of what needs to be done to get there to actually be a great coach really seems to be more left up to the individual being smart and figuring it out for themselves then really have in a solid way to build it I mean part of it is objectively difficult because part of it is who you are kind of goes back to the Roberts nature and all Thursday right give somebody who doesn't have the personality for it all the tips in the world on how to be a great coach and you're still not gonna be a great coach you know because they don't have that ability to communicate to a van patty to relate to their athletes all of those things that really can't be taught it's who you are you know just a build off your pointer bullet like I've you know my life I've met a lot of good coaches and I want a good fighter too did not make good coaches and I've seen it all you know the interesting thing is many times the people were exceptional coaches they had no idea why they were good coach they couldn't explain it you just like the best fighters they can't explain you a technique it's very common I'm not gonna mention names the people like what's that throw you do oh this one and he does it I'm like what are you doing I'm like no just do this right and they don't they can't explain it they just do it right and I've noticed there are coaches that there because coaching involves a very high degree of social intelligence going back to the intelligence not it's not just taking if people think take technique is that minor factor its social intelligence and the people who are best at it being able to control the room they controlled it like they were like a maestro you know in an opera man they just had absolute control of everything they had no if you ask them wait so what's going on here like they're not even aware we don't even know we're talking about now you're trying to get that what is that what's the secret and they're not hiding it from you they really don't know what they're doing it's just something that is very it's part of their personality it's crazy me yeah it's kind of like if you ever have you know the stereotypical grandma who's also my cooking and you ask her for a recipe what's frustrating together because they have no idea how to explain it to cook this thing is like antilles brownish what do you say to me which is like yeah you just look at it you know I think that what this is like what I want to do is I would like I want to sit down with these people man and I want to like interview them I want to talk to them until I can get because he answers to them sound very obvious that's why they don't talk about it because we don't talk about things that are obvious to us yeah right they're obvious to us but that doesn't mean they're not they're obvious to other people so a lot of times these exceptional individuals in whatever field you're in they're holding on to these like these golden nuggets like you have these like these gems but they don't think of that like they don't always see that that's the reason why they're successful because they just take it for granted it's just part it's so ingrained in their psychology they can't even think that what you mean not everyone has that yeah talking about I had a funny experience with that it's like my my judo is just god-awful right I'm not a particularly good do the player I mean I know my staff really not that good but times when I train with beginners and I'm showing them stuff actually not even beginners even some people who are semi decent who maybe halfway through their process to a black dude at the end of class they'll be like oh my god I learned more about judo today than I have in the last two years I'm like how is that even possible my two facts that chest and then I realized how because I break him down in a way that actually helps people learn I'm not particularly good at it but I understand it very well and I can communicate it really well and then the other guy was a phenomenal player his communication is okay but is not that great and so for somebody was just trying to learn it's not helping them and I'm like wow that is two very different tracks you know the ability to perform and be a great athlete and ability to communicate and coach and body again you may get lucky and somebody made available things but they are not antithetical you know one can be put but they are entirely different fields that's why you know even in think about professional sports there are a ton of great coaches whoever if they were players at all maybe they were in like the top of the game or maybe they aren't even players and yeah they are because they commune a lot of it boils down to communication a lot of it boils down to reading people and figuring out exactly what you guys were saying like what energy does this person respond to does cracking jokes help them relax and understand or does it distract and does it they need more wordy explanation or they need quicken to the point do they you know and figure in our reading that person to communicate not for cuz again the same communication style may not work for everybody and sooner luring the people in front of you that takes you need to think on your feet you know you can't be thinking too long about it you need to be able to respond rather fast and again that's something that can be taught to some degree but a lot of it is your emotional intelligence you know your ability to read people a lot yeah no I agree and it's case by case that's the crazy that's what what should be JJ to me is so hard because you're dealing with a room if I god knows how many people but like MMA is I feel it's easier because you should have less fighters right and then you're able to know and do people differ because not everyone reacts to the same things with some people when they have like a tantrum on the mats you gotta like you gotta like you gotta bring them aside and have a chat with them you know they have all these emotional issues they have all this baggage it's very common and they have all this baggage with them and you got to take that into consideration when you're talking to them or this person loses motivation you have to know what to say that's gonna motivate them right versus saying the wrong thing it's gonna like push them further down that track so it requires your right like a very high degree of I mentioned social social intelligence but like also of emotional intelligence like understanding you know well what that person is dealing with to me that's it's fascinating because it has nothing to do with fighting you know it's not done directly indirectly of course but it's such a huge element and the equation of creating that partnership that will get your UFC title absolutely like for example like when earlier I was mentioning now I really enjoy David's video when I saw his instructional on YouTube the first few times you know he's doing it for everybody right he's not tailoring it to somebody because the video you put out on YouTube so you don't have somebody that you are tailoring the teaching to but for that stuff for something that's applied to everyone I found this balance perfect right because he was explaining just enough to cover every single detail that I felt I needed to get the technique right but not so much that you start owning out and you lose attention and so that's kind of the perfect baseline but then of course when you have people in front of you you tweak that baseline depending on who's in front when with somebody he may I pack the explanation a little more which somebody may cut it down which somebody may explain it which a joke with somebody not but you know I think the baseline super important and then that ability to modify it is what makes you great in only interpersonal level rather than you know the YouTube level which you know I always found David stuff to be masterful in that regard and then you take that and you adapt which person to person and and now you've got something amazing yeah there is I think there's a a formula could be created where you could say this is how you teach anybody because we do have instructor classes at our gym that we teach our coaches how to teach properly but there is variance in what you're saying but well ideally what we're always trying to do when we're teaching is to create the proper mood for the student because someone in order to learn has to be relaxed and receptive if they are stressed or they're self-conscious learning is impaired right if they feel they're being judged learning can be impaired you know so that's why a lot of people resort to humor because when people start laughing that means they've relaxed because they're no longer taking themself as seriously that means they're a little more receptive to learning you know they guy I know going through school mostly like when I was I started a legend in here and unfortunately in that field there's not a lot of funny people in my case most of them didn't speak English English was like a fourth language they didn't know so it was pretty awful you know I remember I had one of my my my colleagues would say I thought math was a universal language but when it's too dry like yeah you're not investing it but whenever a professor that goes rare ones would make you laughing you know academic environment you love them because like oh my god finally somebody who you know could not take themselves so seriously you know so I think when you look at most of the great coaches they always have a sense of humor they're all different you know like you have someone like Danaher is kind of like dry and sarcastic but yeah brothers are more jovial you know I think it's sorry that's but that we creaky part that you know you can say that right and it's a very good point and it's applies to everyone but then you just tell people it's like hey if you mix in you more into it it helps a bunch but somebody is just an awful sense of humor their jokes are flat they try it's worse than if they were serious right because they are higher than you're like this is just terrible and you're the advice you gave them was the right advice they just can pull it off you know I mean what do you do that is like let me teach you you more analyze but you know a lot of this has to do with the level of maturity that the person has to like fighters they they evolved I mean they're not just growing technically they're growing as humans too so you know you have to engage that like you can't treat your sixteen year old you know the same way you treat your 35 year old that is about to retire you know that's very different in that regard but to me this is this is fascinating because it's such an important dynamic so I'm always looking you know the the coaches that I admire and and they they have like a few things in common and they're always very good psychologists whether they realize it or not they're outstanding psychologists I think they could they could be professors they just don't know the the technicalities of of the field but they know people better than you know you would ever learn from from books yeah and I think that's the same that one applies to everything right is like what you're teaching is almost secondary than then that skill to read people to read the mood of the room to adapt it do all the things and and again to some people it's very obvious it's like well of course how else would you be but then you look at so many people are just terrible at it and you're like wow I guess that is a skill that is like a gift where you're like okay that's good to have it when you have it is a treasure because you really applies to I mean it applies if you have seeds right the way you raise your kids is like that and you know you have to read the kids because the same thing that may have work with kid a you try it with kid B and is a disaster and you need to adapt it and change for that personality and so it always keeps you on your toes you know it's now like the the seven steps to being a good father or it's like that's a guideline son there but then you have is better at not having the seven steps but then you have to adapt it you know you have to really that's what makes you really good is the ability to adapt it to the situation you know I always joke with people well early that I envy accountants and mathematicians because a seven is always a seven yes seven never wakes up one morning says I feel like a six today right tomorrow I'll feel like an 8 you know there it's NASA Matt it's just like boom right when it comes to people it's like there is no consistency man as they grow something changes right and the gym is such a live place for this like I I'm like sometimes I'm the owner of the gym I'm a spectator too I just like to observe yeah and to me it's fascinated watch how quickly things change in you know it's the the people factor right let's yeah yeah I think like you're saying there isn't no seven steps but I think like we said there are certain principles that apply but how you get there isn't it be different for each one of them yeah yeah I think if you're talking about kids discipline is important but how you administer discipline is gonna vary from you know person to person so big with the the teaching of what now like I said I think being making people comfortable is the primary stuff to say in the good mood now how you do that is different like you said people who force humor it's a disaster yeah you never want to do that if you're not funny you're not funny don't roll don't try to do it you gotta make people comfortable is another way you know but I think that's probably one of the easier things to do because there are certain rules that taboos that people make that when I see them like oh you know you don't want to do that like I think that you just want to catch is when someone's making a mistake and the professor goes no no no no what you doing yeah you're instantly just put up exactly that's the reaction billion and they recoil physically and mentally yes and now that you've locked them up and you just like we we try to tell our instructors you want to make it so that every class that student is one day closer to getting a black belt ignite and if you've made that person recoil you just made them take a step back because now there's a better likelihood that they might want to quit one day because they have such a negative experience associated with trying to learn martial arts and they will end up saying oh I just wasn't built for it you know and it wasn't that it was just you had a bad coach or a coach had a bad moment and that tainted your experience you know so I think that's a easy one to catch always we use what we call the PCP wrote is a praise correct praise I like where you know you make them comfortable then you give them this suggestion and then you make them comfortable again yeah I call it a sandwich yeah exactly it seems we know works in all areas of life I like that you say that because I'm hammering on the exceptions on you know older you always have to adapt principle you always have to it's constantly changing but there are some principles that are good principles and then yes sure you need to adapt that but it's better to have those principles and then learn how to adapt them as you go along then to just say there are no principles figure it out as you go now it's not that's a terrible idea you know it's a balance of both of having a structure and then making that structure flexible enough to tailor it and to adapt it as time goes by but but I agree I mean some principles are certainly better than I mean even like in teaching college for example something that now in the post coronavirus world I don't know apply but you know it's like one thing I did that was so basic and so simple and yet nobody did it and it set the mood for the room in the first two minutes when I walk into a new course first thing I did was I put on some music and I go around shaking hands and passing the syllabus I haven't said one word and half of the students love me already because it's like whoa you're a human being you treat me like a human being you look me in the eyes and when you think about it I haven't done anything that's complicated I press play to some music and I shook hands that's it but just by itself that makes everybody more comfortable and then he was like okay now you start you start the game ahead already before you even start right that's an easy principle you know try to make people feel comfortable immediately in ways that seem to be designed to work for most human beings so princey bullies good and then you adapt it but you know it's good to have those ideas for SWAT that's a great one that you're doing because physical contact is one of the ways of making people comfortable a handshake we call it it's part of where we did three times in every class is try to make physical contact with somebody because it does connect you physically you know and mentally it does that connection as well but that that's also going back to the principles I think when people see a subject that's very complicated they're like you just have to wing it you got to do it your way and I think that's just being lazy right because the problem is it's just it's very challenging right because there's so many variables rather than actually try to break it down people you know what it just varies from people it's just complicated you know like no that's lazy you know you you wouldn't take that answer for other things you know if it was simpler to handle yeah you know you know I think it just it's it's a process and there's a lot of it that you know Robert said there's so much variation yeah we'll probably never you know in our lifetime see and be able to categorize oh this is how everything in human psychology works 101 you know like no it's not going to get there but we can at least start putting out the blocks you know like finding those core things and and be better at because it would be better to have I mean I went through like I forget how many years of school and I maybe had like two or three instructors that I would remember that we're good you know and that's sad you know like it shouldn't be that few ideally all of them should be great at something in particular you know you know you two Belletti has met you I think we were talking once it might have been in the your podcast we're talking about the balance remember word was we had this conversation might have been over Thai food but you're talking about balance right and even in regards to what we're talking about like there is that balance between following the guidelines because there are guidelines I think people do operate under certain there's a lane you know that the lane does this right here you have to know when to when to go with the flow so having the intelligence the wisdom right to be able to adapt as the changes come along you know without losing track of what the north this you know because it can be it can be if you swerve too much the rides who are off to the left you're gonna get out of you know off the lane now and that's uh yeah then they're off track but certainly and I think going back the cooking example you know yes you're now gonna become a master chef by following the recipe you know to become the master chef you're gonna have to develop that special ability to see tiny little changes tiny little but having the recipes a hell of a good start you're gonna cook a lot better with the rest so you're gonna get you wanna become exceptional you need to move beyond the recipe but without the recipe you don't even make it pretty good you know it just so it's a balance between structure and improvisation yeah I always said because my girlfriend always likes to call me a chef I'm like now I I follow recipes well right I cuz I'm a good cook if you give me a recipe I can do it I think a chef is someone who creates the recipes yeah inspire I wanted to ask you something because he said yeah you do have a girlfriend who you're coaching in MMA that must be interesting how about well she's she's a really interesting personality she's impossible to argue with she's super relaxed always happy very quiet and very just these mellow Zen energy all the time and she's clearly kind of naturally some people have you know that type of body she's a good athlete she picks up sings quick and so she started I think originally she started training boxing which my boxing coach because my boxing coach one had weld me out there really was nothing he could do at the time to help miss but I said hey you know can you hook her up with some teaching cause she's got no money but can and he was like yeah absolutely send her in and so she started training and she got really good really fast and so then she was like well I enjoyed this a la jiu-jitsu two days and then you know add one piece to the puzzle to another then she was like maybe I should compete but see how it feels and even that first experience was so trippy because you know we are you know low-level lock California event you know one of those raw events on the reservation kind of thing and it's a mess you know in the locker room and it's like there's the guy sitting next to you goes out to a fistfight come back five minutes later is bleeding everywhere and that they're like okay get ready you're next and I'm died right like my heart rate is just like and I look at it she's like it's good relaxed whatever at that point they're like anthropologically fascinated like what's correct where she goes into the page she's gonna wake up is she gonna turn it on is she gonna be asleep what is and he was downright freaked because they touch gloves and she finished the fight in 16 seconds we got one punch ko female MMA you did not see and in training - she's way too nice like people go way hard sometime inspiring and she never put the heat on she's always just touching them and I'm all like okay I can see you have the power I could see you hit the bag but you know can you turn it on when it counts and apparently she couldn't so we were all like her everybody's jaw dropped because you're like holy [ __ ] how did she do that you know we're psychological is 3 P because I'm a million times more times than she is like I can't even watch the fights like I just get to like especially when she started fighting for one you know she comes on TV and I just have to go to the other room and take a walk and I'm back and kind of like I peek from behind the couch I / ventilated where she's all like smiles and walking up to the caves and but yeah it's difficult because you are so invested and there's nothing you can do about it because it's not yourself going through it so I found it the you know ll with little technical things ll with ideas but I cannot handle the day-to-day operations because it's emotionally too weird so I'm more than happy that she found a great coach they get along great is really good to wear is very bad so you know I I don't think I don't know how people do it when they are in a relationship and they are the person's coach all the time that takes a skill that I don't have I mean when you talk about business and being in family it's always such a tricky thing to do I always tell people try to avoid that when you can yes if you think you fight with your spouse and I imagine when you're doing business with them and things go wrong it's a UH so I going imagine fighting the levels of it I know you sound like my brother since my brother he could never corner me right for MMA grappling you have a problem for some reason with MMA he was just a total wreck and he would just have other people corner me because he would feel like he's having a heart attack yeah it's like III do agree with you that I feel like mentally coaching is more stressful because you don't have the control you have like the illusion of being able to suggest something right but that's really about it you know this is yeah it's a suggestion they could take it or they can't and you just helped us there and when you care about someone especially you're it's you know your girlfriend or your certificates I imagine must be a whole nother level of stress stacked into it yeah it's I'm not built for it I'd like the weeks before she has a fight I'm just a rack it's just I've been there twice you know I've been married to fighters place and it's it's very very difficult because there's no way they can separate what goes off the mats and what goes inside like date to me maybe there's something wrong with me to me but like I know where that line is yeah I know where that line is off the mats on the math but like it with the relationship most like you know people don't have that always have that ability I feel like but um but well then you also have like a man I met I had the opportunity meet your daughter mm-hmm such a bright girl man amazing job as a father like I was blown away her vocabulary that's the things she would say I'm like man she's like smarter than most adults she's like my dad or something yeah no he's a freak for sure it's I mean he's like she she reads all the time I mean I kid you not she reads in the shower like she put the book outside of the shower while she's lathering up and putting shampoo she's like it's like Jesus man what is and yes she is sometimes I forget about it because you know I'm with her all the time so we talk all the time I think it's semi normal like I think like a cheese Mart whatever but then I stop to think about is like wait I'm having this conversation with a ten-year-old that I wouldn't have with most people who are 40 yeah it's daddy and that's where I think you know again that's nature nurture thing some of the way she grew up it held for sure but some of it is just what she is it's some of it is now but amazing we met it was just like III noticed the first time I met her and then I read your book too about being a dad is very beautifully written and I thought it was amazing book by the way and you know it's almost what about that experience too about you know what is it like you know raising words in your daughter and you know it's it's tough trial it's always tough times you know but I feel that it's extra tetralogy you know being being a single parent did you work for so long yeah of course yeah cuz that was like talk about a really [ __ ] up time in my life you know it's like when my daughter was born in 2009 and then when she was about a year and a half her mom died from a brain tumor so you know you go to having special you know in little kids in everybody's life and mom is a big deal but in a little baby's life dad's like everything right you're joined at the hip with your mom you are literally feeding off her in breast feeding and all of that and so to ever mom gone and suddenly I have two takes and not just center stage I have to take all the stages it just me 24 hours a day and there's nothing else you know it's obviously a lot of pressure on anybody you know if for women it's almost expected like single moms when bad things happen and they have to have a bunch of kids people are like you know you're built for it where I'm not so sure that's the case by regardless with me people look at me like I'm some kind of hero we're unlikely time being the same thing that any single man does you know I'm not doing anything but of course it's it's trippy because you feel that I mean they depend on you for everything right if you don't watch them 24/7 particularly when they are that little they pretty much find ways to kill themselves every six hours a day the you have to be on and then ocean early and that was the weird part because clearly I'm not at the happiest time in my life and I cannot just say okay I'll take care of things I'll make sure to have a roof over her head and food and change the diapers no she's a little baby I have to make her happy I have to make sure that she gets smiles that she gets all this when in my life I'm not feeling at a space where I'm all smiley and happy you know it's like I've been hit with really hard stuff and I mean my own kind of grieving period but but I have to do it on a clock it's like okay grief for five minutes because then she wakes up and you have to be happy and make her and you know that's rough because these 24/7 you know if it's for an hour you do it great you can put your best face forward for a little bit 24/7 good luck because eventually whatever frustration you're bottling up inside is gonna come out and so I would find myself doing scenes where I don't know like I've noticed times when you know she's a baby so she's spill our milk on the floor or do some other stupid baby stuff that upset you or make your life miserable for five minutes and I'm blowing up all bad like yelling at Aaron I'm like good job Daniella you just yell at a little kid who just lost her mom because she spilled milk on the floor what the hell is wrong with you you know when is I any understand where it comes from you know you have so much frustration and grief and stuff inside but nobody cares it's a little kid who doesn't need your stupid crap you know it's like you find a way to deal with your emotional [ __ ] because you cannot take it out on a little kid easier said than done of course because it's so hard some time and it's and that has been like a real look in the mirror for myself because so many times I found myself feeling like I was a good dad and doing a good job and then other moments where I'm lights were just a piece of crap you just took out your stuff on yelling traumatizing some poor kid well radius trauma in her life you know the hell is wrong with you and then you have to do a real quick check and like okay well you screwed up now fix it you know now go back and do a better job because there's no point beating yourself up from your cooker ever make it better make it where you are better tomorrow where you build that muscle to deal with the little daily frustrations and some experience I tell you it's I mean I'm super happy with how she handles stuff and now she handle life and way she learns I find myself being just monstrously honest with her you know I don't know how I would have done it otherwise but in this contest I definitely found that being very straight with her like not selling her fairy tales or hiding things from herb just telling her exactly what I'm thinking like I always related where like you're a human being who understand things like anybody else who's smart you just happen to have a slightly smaller vocabulary and less experience but you know you can under have to hide the six from you you can I can explain exactly how I feel what I'm thinking and and she responded very well to that like what I think's was like I never tell her know about something like I she wants to do something I don't tell her no you can't do it I'm your dad and I lay the rules is always like look I got to go here I want you to be healthy and I want you to be happy as long as those two goals are satisfied you can do whatever the hell you want I don't care I'm not gonna put any limit on you but I think we have the same goal you want to be happy and you want to be healthy so we're not having an adversarial relationship here we are absolutely on the same team we just have to come up with the best strategy to deliver those things if you can show me that those two things are satisfied do whatever you want I'm not gonna tell you know what anything if we can agree on making those two things a priority I think that's a great way of approaching it I mean I don't have kids yet but it the honesty I think most people resort to lying because they lack trust in that person's ability to handle the information being given right and when you can believe in somebody and who else could you believe in more than that you should believe in more than your kids you know you can give them that trust and say oh they give you real information and hopefully I believe you can handle it I think it does allow for the relationship because by you giving them trust that in turn extends a trust back onto you it's like the easiest way to get a secret from somebody is to give it give them one of your secrets yeah because people like to reciprocate you know so I think that's a novel approach and in the world where people are trying to be more sheltered yeah and hide more things from people that's ever increasingly difficult with with these guys at some point everybody's gonna know everything so you might as well learn it from you then at secondhand source you know I had read about that you know what happened with your with your wife and I would think that having the baby would it probably had been as maybe a saving grace for you I can't decide because you had to strengthen up you couldn't you know retreat and say I'm just gonna become depressed and go down that path because you had that responsibility to center yourself for sure for it's you know you can navel gaze and feel like the universe is so terrible why me kind of thing you can't when you have that 24/7 responsibility now that's a double-edged sword because of course one end it keeps you more emotionally centered on the other end I think I probably even took consciously I wasn't doing it I think I currently request some emotions that come back to haunt me physical like I started breaking down physically from stress where I would get stupid juries and stupid sinks that I wouldn't get otherwise and so I'm like okay I can just power through it I also need to deal with my own emotions and that's part of moving through well but yeah it's a tough line between those two between you know allowing yourself the time and attention to grieve while at the same time not do it so much that you just fall into this spiral where you never get out you know I you tell me your story and like you know and you happy to raise the child walk doing going through all this first of all I can't imagine like sometimes I I think about some of the things that I've been through life and then I'll like listen to stories like this and always I just want to slap myself anything thank you you are privileged you're lucky we all have you know what what happens is is I feel that like I've never been through anything like them I've had some you know some ups and downs in life too but I would always know this is that you know you come out of it like with something either stronger wiser and in your case it sounds to me you came out of it not just a better version of yourself but I think that the real treasure is not the self development and growth I think that the real treasure is the bond you have created with your daughter or because it sounds to me that you've created a bond with her like leaning on her while she leaned on you in a way that it's you see what I'm saying is you you like you you get some people that lean into like a small arch you guys created this massive arch like it's leaning on that love you know on that cornerstone then hold you guys together and man like that's invaluable like I feel that parents have connection I think parent has a connection to their child right but you know it sounds to me that your connection runs very very deep because of you know of everything that happened yeah in fact I'm really curious to see what its gonna be like cuz you know you always hear the horror story of everybody scared of when the kids are teenagers yeah I may be completely naive about it but I'm totally relaxed now about it like I don't see it going wrong then again events and prove me wrong a hundred times and maybe I'll go like oh when I naively and stupid believing that it all would work out but right now I'm like usually you get the rebellious stage because you set some hard-line discipline wise whereas to me my whole gig has been to instill an internal discipline in there where it doesn't come from me I'm not the one telling you no you just learned how to tell yourself know when something is a stupid idea but is not so I am curious to see how she handle it because you know there really is and that in order to rebel there has to be that something that push back against you if there's nothing that pushing against you and it's like you have complete freedom as long as you make smart choices it's an interesting I'm curious to see how it develops over time but yeah it's funny cuz right now for example she's super protective of me like anything that bothers me she faced so much a ten-time to alchemy trying to make sure I mean again unlike Jesus you're 10 I'm the one who's doing her but she way does it right back with me like she's super attentive to my most wealthy Meowth - making life easier for me and all of that and I'm like wow you're awesome you know and again things are gonna change but I don't know let's see I'm really curious I'm honestly curious to see how he's gonna pan out I think you'll be alright my parents I told Robert I'm the kind of date they raise me kind of hippies because we didn't have curfews we didn't have like we could drink if we wanted to you know we could do just about anything and never had had I ever went to drink never done any drugs I never went partying and stuff like that and it's like you said there wasn't a thing like oh I'm gonna do this to piss my parents off because they didn't really set that many limits on that so it was easy to like like you said you kind of internalize your discipline like well I don't want to you know mess myself up because I'm not gonna feel well afterwards exactly that's kind of the drinking thing is perfect right it is a great example because it's like to me even I am especially growing up in Italy nobody tells you don't drink he's like you know you're fat your grandparents are having wine over lunch or dinner and so you get curious when you okey then you wanna cry and they'll give it to you but they will tell you you know ever little bits and you know you can enjoy it but if you have too much then you got a headache and if you like rap why would you do that yourself you know one day you have a CPAC strand you do get a headache and you're like oh I see your point and you learn how to drink basically where you know you learn how to drink in a good measure where you can be happy and I got that little buzz and that's where it stops anything past that point is not gonna feel so good and then I came to us where you know illegal under 21 and all of that and I would see my friends who just got wasted and they are throwing up all over yourself and I'm like yeah gross why would you do that to yourself like okay we just have one drink and it's enjoyable why do we need to have ten you know is like what's the backfires right repression always backfires yeah teaching people and I think he's funny like parents are freaked out when talking about sex they are not comfortable talking about sex with their kids drinking all those things that are just normal parts of life it's like what's the big deal why do you have to hide you know what's the and I understand it you know like I remember when my daughter I got trapped in the car with her was where we're on this long road trip and I guess you know in a movie or something sex came up so she started asking me question actually didn't she ask me sex questions for like three hours and you know you feel a little weird initially but then I'm like why am I feeling weird what's there to being feel weird about you know she's she's a kid she's not an idiot she can understand stuff from this side okay then we're good and and not make a big deal out of it because you know they it's it does blow up in your face like just like food pee kids that are not allowed to eat junk food yeah that's what's gonna happen as soon as they can you know work but yeah I think you're doing an amazing job and I think that the way what they've described and when you're described is it's kind of how I was raised my mom always gave him like so much freedom sometimes I look back in like why why am I not a crackhead right I work I can go to bed anytime I want it if I didn't want to go to school all I had to do is say I don't want to go to school today I didn't even have to explain why I didn't go but when you have that freedom you don't abuse it you're like why would I not go to school like you know and my friends are in school so you end up going to school right but uh no man like I think that is it's you're definitely on the right track I'm just as a parents you I always ask these questions to other parents I thought doing a good job just to make sure I'm on the right track because that is the ultimate job right we're talking about being a fighter being a coach being a good businessman whatever it's like it's probably the most challenging thing you'll ever do is being a parent and man um you sure you do a good job like we got enough [ __ ] out there already everyone listening please yeah it's and it gets easier every year you know is like they don't tell you that but like when your kid is one year old and wake up screaming a tree or you have you know you wanna throw them out of the window it's not don't act upon that impulse but the oles is not is like it's frustrated and then every year it gets easier and especially if you establish good communication the more they can communicate the easier it gets early on is a little rush definitely the first few years are intense that's the whole thing right because the baby can't really communicate with you and you you want to say something to it it doesn't understand you and as you say it gets easier why because once you're able to communicate with each other and rationalize things then it's easier to understand what each other needs you know and like you said like I think what you had set those baseline goals earlier that's very smart way of putting it you know health and happiness and then we might disagree on the means of getting there but at least we want the same things for each other which is huge because then again is like just then we're gonna disagree on strategy maybe and strategy we can negotiate about it's not a big deal you know we can figure out as long as the goals are the same then strategy is easier to have a disagreement upon than which we are fundamentally different goals that's where and you know even the freedom thing is like some kids may not respond well to it and they need more discipline and they need more strict rules and that's where you need to have that ability to realize it is kiddies that's what they need okay lay down the law a little more they do get to laze if you give them to freedom okay you do need to light a fire under their ass a little more and there's nothing wrong with it as long as you are doing it with the right kid because you know if you put all this harder restriction on a kid does not drive on its then you got a problem you know Danny that idea yes my brother was telling me because yes three kids the daughter and twin boys he's like Dave you know if I let my kids eat whatever they want they just like eat ice cream and candy all day I have to be put some discipline in there fair enough they don't know enough yet to understand how to make the proper choices right so I'm not advocating either there's like free wild happiness you know just that I think is it parties like look if I have that situation and of course you know both me and my daughter have a major sweet tooth right so we can very much relate like I feel this exact same way how do I eat that tree just feel and pull with ice cream and I'm gonna eat it all the problem is that I'm gonna be miserable at a curfew and neither one of us wants that so how can we get that in amounts where it's still healthy where we enjoy it we don't deny ourselves but to a point where we still enjoy life and it doesn't mess us up you know and then it becomes that strategy discussion is like okay where do we draw the line where we're good where is not and then it becomes a choice to right it becomes like she has to think about she has to figure out what the right line is and all of that and it's yeah it's an interesting process that's for sure I think nutrition did you say because I know I heard my niece talking about oh how many calories does this have how much protein but I'm like you I think when hold but like we didn't really have a mind for that yet you know as far as like what things have proper nutrition as a kid but I think now that information is so out there okay you know all kids can look at the label of what does this mean and I think it'd be explained to them earlier she was like oh I shouldn't eat this it has too much fat I shouldn't sound like this I'm like well that's again more information they're able to make better decisions towards those life goals you know and I think in that regard having the list it's a black and white thing the battery teas you know more things you can do in moderation now the moderation well of course not so there are a few six that are just flat-out bad right there is nobody racial about stuff you could have a little as long in a certain amount is fine but when you pass that amount that it's a problem and I think you don't even dive in bad mentality where it's like it's not a yes or no thing is how much yes can still be good and where the yes become a problem for the rest of your life and working on that because then it's easier it's like okay you're not being a dick who's just telling me no to everything that looks fun you're just wanting me to feel good and have a good life okay we can work with that go back to what you were saying before with this balance yeah I mean that's that's like really right most everything is like that there are again there are a few things that are bad in all context and I'm sure there are a few things that are good in every situation that Mosta is it's a balancing act you would fire one direction even you took a good thing and made it a bad thing and vice versa it's a I hate this sounds like I'm Paris right I'm quoting that book like the many shades are great but that's life it's the many shades of grey that we live in because you're right there very few things are like absolutist right like messed crack yeah pretty much like we're not love but like misguided let's rephrase that because you know you get that the parent to does so much for their kids out of love and they're actually doing more they're doing harm without realizing right without allowing them to learn some of the tough lessons that you know they they all we all need to learn right otherwise you walk away from your child that you don't learn those lessons they're gonna be hate you really hard in their adult life right but Dave you got anything else you wanna ask me like why do you want to plug anything all good I mean you obviously plug your podcast and your books and your once let see stuff I've done I have to podcast the drunken tourist which is you know free on old platform is more of a chatty podcast sometime we guess sometimes without history on fire the tone of three episodes out there then some of the new ones are behind the paywall they are with this company called luminary they are pretty cheap I think they're like three dollars a month or something like that but still that's the new ones but people who haven't checked it out there are a ton of three episodes before you ever got to the table I wrote a few books couple of them have to do with martial arts my first one was called on the Warriors path that's all you know martial art philosophy and the latest not afraid is about that period of you know it is a good chunk it's about martial arts and then it's more about how I applied some of those things to my life when kind of everything does fold into pieces so those are the ones okay how do you how do you manage to be a professor a single dad martial artist and still find the time you do putu podcasts and a book anything a private from you my management because I don't know how you do it man I find myself like running around trying to do everything there's not enough many hours in the day how do you do it I map well I actually do get my sleeper mail in the morning I'm acting the really late doctor everybody's asleep I have my hours on my own that helps I'm also most of these things I tend to enjoy so I'm also pretty driven like the time that I'm not spending with my daughter most of the time I am working on something and you know whether it's if anything is funny I always feel like you know you list all those things and I'm like yeah I do do a lot of stuff but I always feel like man there's so much other stuff I want to do and I can't quite if I only had better time management you know so it's I think it's a we all feel that way it's one of the things but yeah I'm trying to it's it's a this weird act of like you have ten balls up in the air and you have to catch them all and you're juggling and you're but it tells the fact that they are all things I enjoy some more some less but they are all things that are enjoyable to a degree or another and so we work it is work but it doesn't feel like work you know like I hate this thing it's never like that it's it's definitely time consuming but is usually stuff that I wanna do I think we can wrap it up and then yeah thank you so much for joining us it's great having you here and again you have your website getting about le comm link it there goes make sure to check them out and again look forward to seeing in the future and that's it's finally great to see you in person and talk to you live hopefully one day I can visit you and you can do something when we get through the apocalypse that would be very nice live version thank you guys so much [Music]